I was out on my morning walk and started thinking today instead of looking down when I walk, I will look straight ahead. When I did this I started to think about all the details that I get lost in when I look down and don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of details, but sometimes I can get confused and stagnant in my thinking and I'm speaking literally and metaphorically.
Anyway, I started to think about where I am in my life... at a cross road. One way points to graphic design and the other points to painting. I've been at this place for awhile. Graphic design means money, safety and security. Painting is less money, lots of hard work, putting myself out "there" for a lot of hits, bruising and not to mention pain and self doubt, but the rewards are indescribable.
I should probably give you some history... when I was young I always wanted to be an artist. I loved drawing, art, everything about being creative, it was an escape for me, it was (is) who I am. When I got to the point in my life of deciding what I wanted to support myself with, I found graphic design and fell in love with it. It became who I am and I still love it, it's just not that rewarding to me anymore. No one will be putting a brochure or menu I designed on their wall for years to come and then I think... is this dilemma, vanity? Or is it how I want to define myself and at what cost?
Toward the end of my walk I started thinking "Okay, I get it, but what do I do with all of this? Where is my decision?" and I was okay with not making a decision today, but then I looked down and saw a brightly colored leaf and it hit me! It's only when the leaf reaches the end of it's life - it starts showing it's best colors and I was profoundly jarred. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life doing something that I feel is not rewarding, that doesn't feel like the core of "who I am? 'NO!"
Well, I hope that I live longer than a leaf's life and that I can find my "color" in my journey... There are no assurances, guarantees but, I know it will be rewarding.